We made two points last time. First while headship gives authority to the husband, it also comes with enormous responsibility. The husband’s headship is similar to the headship of the captain of a ship. Husbands are responsible to lead their families to a divinely appointed goal (a goal we’ll identify this morning) in the same way a Captain is responsible to take a ship from one port to another. If your ship sinks or you get lost or you go off course or one of the crew falls overboard, you as Captain, as head of the family, are responsible.

The second thing we learned is that God designed the relationship between the husband and wife to be a living picture of the relationship between Jesus and his people. Because of this, everything a husband does tells a story about Jesus to the world and to his family. The story can be true or false. A husband who neglects, abuses, ignores, or cheats on his wife is saying, this is the way Jesus neglects, abuses, ignores and cheats the Church. His actions tell a lie about Jesus. A husband who leads his family with a purpose, who tenderly cares for his wife and children, who is actively involved in their daily lives, tells the truth about Jesus to his family and the world.

This morning we’ll add more to this picture by identifying ends and means, the goal of headship and the way husbands are to meet that goal. A Captain leads his ship to a set destination, a port. And he doesn’t make things up as he goes. There are principles of seamanship that a Captain learns and applies in order to take his ship from one port to another safely.

Both the goal and the method for reaching the goal are found in Eph 5:25-8, so let’s open our bibles and get started. Last week we noticed that verse 23: “the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church” is not a command. It describes the way things are. But verse 25 is different. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her…” This is a command. Paul’s not just saying, “husbands certainly do love their wives.” He’s saying: “husbands, love your wives.”

Husbands, raise your hand if you love your wife. Most people think that love is something you feel. So if you raised your hand you were probably thinking about the way you feel toward your wife. But word used here for love, “agape,” has very little to do with your feelings. It’s is an action word. The command is not to feel love for your wife. The command is to act in love toward your wife.

Most every husband feels love toward his wife. The question is, does this love manifest itself in what you do. Love w ithout action is dead, its’ meaningless. So, if you feel love for your wife but spend your days on the golf course and your nights in a bar, then, in biblical terms, you don’t love your wife. It’s one thing to feel love. It’s quite another to do love. Biblical love means you walk the walk not just talk the talk. If you want to know what this looks like, verse 25 provides a model. “love your wives AS Christ loved the church AND gave himself up for her…” Jesus gave himself up for his bride, the church, believers, you and me. This action of giving the self is the method I am to learn and apply as head.

I am to love Anne to the point that I give myself up for her. Let’s go back to the Captain analogy. Captains are human beings too and they have personal desires and likes and dislikes and ways that, were they not captaining the ship, they would spend their time. But while on a voyage the Captain puts the ship and the good of the ship and the safety of the ship above his own personal desires. This is not to say that there is never a time for the Captain to hand the reigns over to his second mate and go practice his putting or hang out in the ship’s bowling alley. It is to say that those things are secondary. His primary concern is taking care of his ship and he is willing to give up, to sacrifice his personal desires, wants and needs for the sake of the ship, even to the point of giving his life. That’s the way that the Captain demonstrates his devotion and love for both his crew and his boat.

In the same way, as a husband, I am commanded to sacrifice or give up myself, my personal desires, wants and the things I think will give me fulfillment for the sake of my wife, even to the point of giving my life. I am to love Anne by putting her needs for companionship, conversation, affection, protection, security, and time above my job, my success, my money, leisure, my computer games, the television and whatever else. This does not mean that I don’t work, that I never have time to myself, that I do not play on the computer. It does mean that these things come after my wife not before her. I’m the captain. If my wife starts to go down because I have not provided for her, it is my responsibility.

In my brief stint as a pastor, I’ve already seen several marriages break-up and seen others hit rocky ground. Whatever other causes there may be, the chief cause is almost always that the husband has been derelict in his duty to love his wife. He’s put his job, his personal interests, his success, his leisure, his pleasure above his wife and in doing that he’s disobeyed God’s command to love her.

As believers, God has given us priorities. The first priority is God. We are to love him first and foremost with an active love, not just a feeling love. The second priority is your wife. If anyone or anything in this world comes before your wife and stays, then your marriage is headed for trouble. You’ve got to put your wife ahead of yourself. You might think this is a recipe for a miserable life. But that’s just because we’ve bought the lie that the way to find self-fulfillment is to pursue self-fulfillment. But Jesus says, if you want a life, you have to lose it. You only find the joy you’re looking for when you stop looking for it and follow Jesus. You have to give yourself up to find yourself.

And God has designed it so that to find joy in marriage, men have to meet their wives needs, not their own. Now, in general men need most of all, not affection and sweet talk and hugs kisses but they mostly need respect and honor. When two men or two boys fight, it’s generally because one of them or both feel disrespected. It’s not because they don’t feel loved. When Anne tells me she loves me its not that big a deal. But when she says Matt, I admire you and respect your leadership of the family think you’re a good man. That’s what I need to hear. That is like oxygen to me. She’s speaking my language. In the same way women need affection and love like oxygen and when they don’t get it, they get desperate. So God commands husbands to step out of themselves and love their wives and talk to them.

This last week Anne and I spent a lot of time working together. I thought it was real quality time. We were in the same room, both occupied, working together it was great. I felt really close to her. The problem was that I really didn’t talk much and when she talked I was so consumed with what I was doing, that I didn’t listen or respond. I grunted. When she would ask what she’d said, for the life of me I couldn’t remember. At the end of the week Anne broke down. To her we hadn’t spent any time together because I didn’t relate to her. In her mind, I didn’t care enough about her to set aside my computer when she was talking or share with her what I was doing. I was sharing space but I wasn’t sharing myself. I was not giving myself up in love for my wife. She needs that and God has commanded me to give it because he loves her.

Jesus not only shared our space, coming down to live with us, he listens and speaks and knows us. There’s never a time when you want to speak with Jesus that he’s not there for you. But there are plenty of times that Anne needs my company and my conversation and my affection, that I’m in another world. I am commanded to give myself up for my wife. Nothing in this world is to come before her and that can’t just be something I feel in my heart it has to be something I do with my actions.

God command husbands to give what wives need most, love, and wives to give what husbands need most, respect and honor. Each gives what is hardest for each to give. It is very easy for men to give honor and respect. The male social world is hierarchal. From the time we are boys, men know how to give respect to other men for their achievements, prowess, strength, skill, leadership. It’s much harder for us to give affection, attention, time and tenderness and love. This command takes us out of our comfort zone. And that’s on purpose. God the Son came down from heaven. He left his home to come live with us and give us what we need. So the husband, if he is to love his wife like Jesus loves the Church, has to come out of himself, give himself up, to provide the love and affection his wife needs.

Now, we’re running out of time for this sermon but before I close I want to identify the port or the divinely ordained goal God has established. We don’t have time to do any more than identify it this morning. Next time I preach I’ll flesh it out. The goal is identified in verses 26-7, husbands are to love their wives as Jesus loves his church and Jesus gave himself up for her, “to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”

The headship of the husband is established for the purpose of creating families that are holy and faithful. The husband’s loving headship is intended to lead wives and children to live lives dedicated and devoted to serving God.

We’ll have to talk more about what this means next time. Until then, let’s pray...

Amen