One of my aunts took me and my cousin aside when we were in college, to talk about the importance of wives submitting to their husbands. She said, ‘now Anne, now Wendy, its really important to submit.

Men need to think they're in charge. I always let Sant think he was in charge. When we moved into this house I really wanted a garbage disposal. Sant arranged with the plumber that we wouldn't have one and I totally supported him. I just made sure to call the plumber later and told him to put one in. Sant still doesn't know we have it. It's so important to submit.' This always bothered me. I don't want to be manipulative and sneaky.

 

So, I kept Matt up late this last Monday night. He was pretending to read a big fat important book and

I woke him up to ask a number of innocent questions.

 

‘So, Matt, I'm just trying to understand, why is it important, for you personally, that I, as your wife, submit to you? Do you feel like I manipulate you? Because I'm very content with our life together, and I don't wake up in the morning and say, how best can I submit to my lord and master this morning and serve his every need'. How, given that we've both agreed never to use that word, and that we share all things equally, how do you know that I submit? What about the way that we are sends the message that I'm submissive? What is it about submission, really? Is it really that important?'

 

I got some interesting answers. For one thing, I discovered that it is, in fact, a really big deal. Basically, Matt wouldn't have been able to marry me if I hadn't given off whatever vibe. Let me just say, it was hard for either of us to talk about this without sounding like selfish jerks, but I really wanted to understand. One small thing that was important, for example, was the business of going out to dinner. Matt would say, ‘let's go out to dinner.' And I would say, ‘ok'. And he would say, ‘let's go to Il Porto', and I would say, ‘ok, that sounds good'. Later he would find out that I hadn't really wanted to go to Il Porto. We'd already been there three times in a row and it's really not my favorite place. But I never said anything, well, not until after. And that turned out to be very important. Matt finally found these words to describe what he felt was going on—‘you got on board with me'. And by initially ‘getting on board' I gave Matt room, or space, to take my desires into consideration.

 

After a few months, maybe a year of saying ‘let's go out to dinner, let's go to Il Porto', one afternoon Matt spent two and a half hours working on finding out where I wanted to go that evening. If I hadn't consistently ‘gotten on board' he wouldn't have taken so long trying to discover what I wanted. Now, from my perspective, I didn't really have a strong opinion about where to go to eat. But, eventually it wasn't just where to eat. Eventually Matt said, wouldn't it be great to have a baby—little did he know—and I was delighted. I had had two things in mind since I was five—a big beautiful wedding dress, and a chubby pink baby. I had never heard of a man, within minutes of being married say, ‘wouldn't it be great to have a baby', so I was very much, ‘on board'. Now, don't be confused, from my perspective I did not at all feel like Matt was making all the decisions in the family. We discussed everything, but from Matt's end, it was very important that I ‘got on board' with him.

 

And I must say, ‘getting on board' has certainly paid off. Matt does fully half the housework. He cooks most every evening. And, so that I would actually write this dreaded sermon, he vacuumed the whole house, handled the kitty litter and kept the children at bay.

 

WAIT, Matt is shouting, you shouldn't submit because it works, you should submit because it's commanded in Scripture. That's true, we should do all the things that we are commanded to do in scripture. And it certainly is commanded. Go back with me to the text, Ephesians 5, verse 22, ‘wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord', verse 24, ‘so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands'. So let's get a good definition so we know what we're working with. Submission, dictionarily speaking, means to yield or surrender to the will or authority of another. It comes from Latin meaning ‘to set under'. And, given that the husband is the Head of the wife, just as Christ is the Head of the church, we have the double pleasure of a word that provides the image or goal of marriage and the means of getting there. Christ, as Head, cares for, protects, leads, guides, and loves the Church. The Church honors, glorifies and serves Christ. The husband cares for, protects, leads, guides and loves his wife and children.

The wife and children respect, honor, serve and support their head. Don't grimace. I can see a good half of you' all grimacing. Maybe it'll help if we get to what it should look like on the ground. We're all agreed that it's your husband's job to love you. And that means love you in a language you can understand. He can't just tell you he loves you the day you get married and then if he changes his mind, he'll let you know.

 

Well, it's your job to respect and honor your husband. That means taking him seriously, finding out what is important to him and getting on board with it, seeking his advice in the care and upraising of your children, telling him frequently that you think he is a good (as long as you're not lying), honorable man and that he's excellent at what he does. It means not belittling him. To his face or anyone else. Let me hone in on the not belittling bit. What I mean is not to question who he is in himself. It's easy to do this flippantly without trying. Our culture does it at every opportunity. Men, according to TV, are stupid, lazy football watching brutes who have to be told what to do.

 

You know the ad, I think from Time Warner, advertising that channels can be blocked for the safety of children. A man is sitting in his favorite chair channel surfing. He hits a channel he can't access. He calls out in rage. His daughter comes and condescendingly explains that his wife has blocked the channel. His wife arrives to drive the point home. The husband good-naturedly submits to the wisdom of his wife and daughter. Fine, we know we're wise as women. We have nothing to prove. A man should not be condescended to by his wife and daughter. He is not the bottom of the ladder in the home. He is the Head. He is to be honored.

 

What happens to a man when he is honored and respected? He is given room to breath. He does not have to prove to you that he is a man and he is worthy of you. He does not have to fight to maintain his position in the home. He does not have to fight to ensure that he gets the respect he needs. In fact, he doesn't have to fight at all. He can get on with the business of living in mutual comfort and order in the home. He is given room to find out what interests you, what you need, how many baskets of laundry you have piled up.

 

But what about the man who is not worthy of respect and honor? Two things. If he is abusive, physically, psychologically, get away to somewhere safe. If he is just very unpleasant to live with—mean, irritating, I don' know, there are a lot of relationships that are wretched—don't just write him off. Respect him even though he doesn't deserve it. Get on board with him as far as you can without disobeying the primary law of God. That is, if he orders you not to go to church, go anyway. If he tells you to steal or lie or something, obviously, don't do it. If you're unclear about what God says, begin to study the scriptures every day and attend Bible Study. But don't wait for him to love you before you honor and respect him. You have to start somewhere. Start with yourself. Respect, like love, is an action, not a feeling. Act in respect toward him. Give him room to breath, space to be who he is. In so far as you can be on board with him, get on board. Seek to find out where he is going and go there with him.

 

You don't have to feel all warm and fuzzy inside. You are filled with the Holy Spirit, you have everything you need. That means that if you're lonely and your husband doesn't seem to love you or pay attention to you, you can pour your heart out to Christ. He will listen to you and provide for you. He will work tangibly in your life and the life of your husband. When I am unhappy with Matt, not that I ever would be, I pray first. And I try praying for a few days before I say anything to him. Often the Holy Spirit sorts it out better than I could have by complaining. I learned this the hard way. I became unhappy early on with how much TV we were watching as a family. You know how addicting TV can be. Its so bewitching, all the flashing lights and colors, it starts to be mind numbing. So I nagged for a while. ‘Matt, we're watching way too much TV. Its so bad for us.' Its possible I was even condescending. Nothing seemed to get through. So finally, in desperation, I prayed for four days in a row. On the fifth day Matt sat down at breakfast and said, ‘you know, I really think we've been watching too much TV. Why don't we move it out for a while.' I was very much on board with him.

 

Jesus gave his life in love for you before you deserved it. You can give yourself in love to your husband. Christ, through the power of the Holy Spirit, will give you the strength and power to do it. Try it. I promise, It works. Amen.